t h e c r a p d e a l e r

 

"My son!" his mother wailed. "Must you set out into the world and leave this poor old woman? Whatever shall I do to quench the fires of fear licking at my breasts?"

He gave his mother a dry look. "Kaa-san. You're not poor and you're not old. Lay off the pocketbooks, you're creeping me out." Golden brows furrowed as he grimaced. "And stop using breasts already. And licking too, ugh. You're my mom and it's really freaky!"

His mother pouted but the flash of mischief in sparkling sea-green eyes belied her reaction. "And how would you know, ne? Have you been peeking?" she asked slyly. Her son turned away but not before he could hide the faint color on his cheeks. He began mumbling as he fumbled on the straps of his green haversack. "What was that?" she asked.

"I said," he said, his voice louder, "Ero-sennin makes me proofread his books. Anou, where are you going?" he asked when his mother stood up from her comfortable perch on his bed, her train of forest green trailing gracefully in her wake.

She glanced back and smirked. He drew back, a learned response to such facial expression. "Somewhere that will become a river of blood soon."

He shook his head and uttered a swift prayer for the soul of his soon-to-be-departed godfather. Before his mother could leave, his father's head popped in from the open door.

"Ready to set out, son?" his father asked, the face so like his own calm and assured. "Everyone is waiting."

Waiting. That's what he had been doing, in fact, since he was a child—waiting. For the destiny he would fulfill, the destiny he had been training for since he was a toddler in royal diapers. As the prince of Hi no Kuni, the duty of battling dragons and saving princesses fell upon his shoulders—and what broad shoulders they were—and he gladly accepted it, not just because he was the only son of King Minato and Queen Kushina, but also because he was a healthy eighteen year-old virgin and there was nothing greater that a young man his age looked forward to than killing dragons and banging princesses. He still couldn't decide, though, which was more awesome between the two—perhaps he ought to do both at the same time.

The castle had thrown a party throughout the kingdom the previous night for the departure of Prince Naruto, heir to the Namikaze throne and the Uzumaki crown. It was then understandable how everyone had come to wait for him—he had woken up earlier this morning and saw all their constituents in varying positions of drunken slumber, with a hapless few plummeting to their deaths after falling asleep on the castle turrets. Tsunade-no-baachan's sake could drive a faint-hearted man to comatose, too.

A twenty-minute journey from his chambers to the throne room stretched to forty as he gingerly sidestepped over his people. By the time he reached the throne room, the nobles waiting for him had already gone back to sleep, still weary from carousing. The royal family decided to let the old men sleep—they were preparing, after all, for the longer sleep ahead of them. King Minato had time and again repeated that preparation is the best offense and defense against calamity.

The young prince and his parents decided to forego all protocol and left the castle on foot, the prince leading his horse with his favored pet perched on his shoulder. The queen mother asked him if he had remembered to pack his toothbrush (yes), if he knew how to spot a wolf in sheep's clothing (sharp teeth), if he remembered what to say if he encountered a giant (please don't eat me, my horse tastes better and he has more meat), and so on, spouting maternal wisdoms in between ("You're only as good as your last duel" "Don't turn your back on an eight-headed snake" "A princess in need is a princess indeed" "A condom a lay keeps the babies away"). The king father, meanwhile, quietly asked if there was anything else he needed (nothing else, thanks) before settling beside him and unconsciously humming a funeral march.

Reaching the border of the kingdom, they bade each other a dignified farewell as the royal family, before wrapping each other in a group hug as any loving family would. Their smiles were tremulous, their eyes shone with tears—and then, as in one mind, both parents and son took a step away from each other, the massive gates of the kingdom separating a family for the first time in eighteen years.

Eighteen years. After eighteen years living the luxurious life of a prince, he would be gone from Hi no Kuni, the cradle of his birth. Atop his horse, Naruto didn't know how long he would be gone, and for a moment he felt a deep pang of loneliness. He hurriedly shook it off—he had been waiting for this and so had everyone else, and so long as he brought home a princess worthy of his parents, then the years away from home would be worth it.

Mounted on his steed, Prince Naruto looked back. Wise and brave King Minato was in Queen Kushina's arms, bawling silver manly tears. As if sensing his embarrassed stare, his gorgeous mother looked up and, with a smirk, mouthed two words that erased all doubts in his mind.

"Comfort sex."

 

After three long years of journey, interspersed with battles against monsters and duels against knights, Prince Naruto had finally found the one he had been looking for all this time—the princess he would bang.

And what a lovely creature she was—just looking at her, sleeping so peacefully beneath red satin sheets, was making him all manners of anxious and excited and yes, he meant aroused. In his years of travel, Prince Naruto had never laid his eyes upon such exquisite beauty.

Standing by her bedside, he was ready to commence banging. He was reluctant, however, to wake the slumbering princess—she looked so peaceful, so divine, it was a crime to wake her up. Even for just one round.

And so Prince Naruto stood by her bedside, drooling. The ivory whiteness of her skin was a delightful contrast to the twisted red sheets his mind heatedly conjured. And her hair, her wonderful hair, were glossy strands of black silk tousled by his fingers running through them in wonderment, her long thick lashes concealing her beautiful eyes from his sight as they squeezed shut in agonized pleasure and sweet sweet pain. Her lips, lush and red like his ferocious shiny cock—Naruto closed his eyes, sending a brief prayer for the soul of his beloved Kyuubi, who had passed away during one of the many times he got lost to provide him fried chicken when he needed it most at the cost of his own white-fleshed and gravy-dripped and succulent life—bruised from his harsh kisses, parting to allow his tongue to sweep obscenely inside her mouth as she gasped in ardor, in lust. And her rock-hard boner, rubbing excruciatingly against his magnificent erec—

Wait—What?

Prince Naruto blinked and rubbed his eyes for good measure. He choked on his spit.

What the fuck was that!?!

Blue eyes wide, the prince drew closer, his heart beating a denial as he stared at the tent of red satin on the princess's nether region. It looked stiff and intimidating from where he stood, and his mind raced with possible reasons as to why the princess was lying on her bed with what could be misconstrued by princes dumber than he was as an actual boner.

"Perhaps she keeps her dagger inside her royal drawers," he said aloud, before snickering. If she could sheathe such a weapon, how much more him? She could sheathe him in for as long as she wanted to.

"Or perhaps her wondrous female part is simply massive," he continued. If a man could have a penis as impressively prodigious as his, it stands to reason that a woman may have a vagina as colossal as hers. Right?

He wasn't sure but he would consider it. Exhaustively.

After an exhaustive five minutes of pondering, Prince Naruto tilted his head to the side, studying the confounding tent with a critical eye. "Perhaps she was cursed by a misogynistic sorceress? A jealous gender-confused troll? A fairy with questionable humor?"

After a couple more minutes of external debate, he straightened up, deciding, though his decision wasn't resolute. The prince swallowed—the only way to be certain was to touch it. There was no other way.

He took a deep breath. The princess was sleeping, true, but what if she suddenly woke up with his hand over her maiden parts? He had journeyed—rather, got lost—for three years and he wouldn't want to come back defeated without a princess to bang by his side. It would be tragical.

Nay, it would be farcical.

His hand hovering on the mysterious tent, Prince Naruto hesitated. What, really, would he do if the princess woke up?

And then, of all the worse things he could have done next, Prince Naruto of Hi no Kuni tripped on the bed sheet and fell.

 

His brows furrowed. Something was pulling at his consciousness, urging him to the light after an eternity in the abyss. There was a warm weight on his chest, a pleasant pressure on his lips. And there was something—something deliciously hot—rubbing his crotch.

The pressure on his groin shifted without warning and he gasped, arching into the phantom touch. Another shift and he moaned. His mouth felt parched and his tongue darted out, tasting a peculiar sweetness that elicited a gasp from above. And suddenly, the pressure from his mouth was wrenched away and he blindly leaned forward, dark lashes fluttering open to reveal the escaping ghost to his sight.

And so, after more than a thousand years of sleep, Prince Sasuke of the Uchiha throne was awake.

What the fuck—

 

"—was that for?!?!" Prince Naruto screamed, clutching his cheek where a bruise was now throbbing in pain. Oh yes he had imagined a part of him throbbing a lot of times as far as princesses were concerned, but his cheek wasn't the one doing it! "That was an accident!"

They were such gorgeous eyes, onyxes thundering with copious rage—he had never seen such eyes dark with passion, nor pale cheeks bright with such crimson, highlighting the moonless night sky called eyes glowering at him from where he lay sprawled upon the carpet. Such gorgeous, raging eyes—

"And I wasn't trying to molest you, geez," Prince Naruto continued after a small pause, forgetting all manners of noble upbringing in action and speech as he pouted like a child. "I know I should have woken you but you look as if you needed the sleep, princess."

Finally, the ethereal beauty parted her full red lips, her refined features twisting into a scowl as she raised a white hand to tug at her raven tresses. "You're an idiot," she snapped.

The dazes wrought from hearing how velvety deep her smooth voice was abruptly vanished when he realized that her voice was velvety deep and smooth.

Like baritone-smooth.

"Anou—your voice—" Prince Naruto trailed off uneasily. When the princess—with the baritone—and that tent—gave him a withering look, he continued. "I don't mean to embarrass you, princess, but you kinda—a little—a really tiny bit—sound like a man."

The princess raised her chin, a derisive look upon her noble features with her hair now sticking up at the back of her head. "I am a man, dumbass."

Prince Naruto choked, caught in the trappings of shock and bewilderment. He raised a limp hand, pointing shakily at the princess—prince—sitting on the bed. "You're not a princess?" he asked, his voice rising higher with each word. "For real?!?"

The beautiful man sneered. Another voice piped up. "He is the noble Sasuke, second heir to the Uchiha throne, brave prince," it said. Prince Naruto stood up and turned around, beholding three fairies clad in the same robe with different colors, all winged and wielding a wand, all with benevolent smiles on their faces. Except the one at the back, the silver-haired one—it's hard to see the benevolent smile under the mask. Also, he found himself hard-pressed to trust a fairy wearing an eye-patch.

"We thank you for freeing our Prince from the curse of a thousand-year's sleep," the same voice went on. It was coming from the one wielding a dolphin-tipped wand, the fairy clad in gray robes. "Because of the kiss of true love, the sorcery cast by Orochimaru was defeated."

"Thousand year's sleep?" asked the stunned brave prince.

"Kiss of true love?" whispered the irked blushing prince.

"Yes," said the masked fairy wielding a scarecrow-tipped wand, the one in green robes and wearing an eye-patch. He nodded at the blond prince before winking at his dark-haired counterpart—Prince Sasuke threw a deadly glare at the aforementioned fairy, who only tittered as the redness of the porcelain cheeks furiously intensified.

"Wait. Who's Orochimaru?" Prince Naruto asked, scratching his nape in confusion.

The last fairy, with huge dark eyes that would haunt him to his nightmares, clad in brown robes and wielding a wand tipped with a tree, raised an eyebrow at the prince's question. "The eight-headed snake you fought to gain entrance to the cursed castle," he replied, in a tone that clearly conveyed his opinion of the blond prince's mental capacity.

"Oh. That's Orochimaru?" Prince Naruto was clearly surprised. "He's sleeping when I got here."

All four listeners stared at him. He raised his hands in a defensive gesture. "Hey, I didn't want to wake him! He looks tired!"

"Orochimaru—is sleeping?" Prince Sasuke asked. "What is the moron talking about, Kakashi?"

Kakashi, the fairy with the scarecrow wand, scratched his head, turning to his fellow fairy. "Iruka?"

Iruka nodded, an awkward smile on his lips as he waved his dolphin wand in a nervous gesture. "I believe I understand what happened." He turned to Prince Naruto. "Yamato made a prophecy that the prince who will rescue our princes—prince would come after a thousand years. It seems Orochimaru had been awake the entire twelve months of the thousandth year—waiting for you—and three years of—of sleeplessness had taken its toll on him," he added, sounding embarrassed.

"Hey, it's not my fault that Tousan's map is outdated!" Prince Naruto exclaimed. "And seriously? This bastard here was sleeping for one thousand years?" He sniggered. "So what have you been dreaming of to retain a boner the entire time, old man?"

The newly-awaked prince turned a more infuriated shade of red. "It's morning wood, loser," Prince Sasuke snapped. "You probably can't get yours up for something as simple as that."

"Hey!" the blond prince yelled, outraged. "I have you know I'm bigger than your puny morning wood, asshole! Or should I call it morning twig?"

Prince Sasuke, renowned in his time for his unruffled and unaffected demeanor, jumped down in rage. "Why you—"

"Boys, boys," a calm voice intruded as strongs hands lifted both princes by the collars of their royal garments. "We have all just woken up and your loudness is giving us a headache."

Prince Sasuke glowered across him to the blond who wasn't even looking at him now. "Why hello there, my pretty," Prince Naruto greeted coyly. "Do you, by chance, require saving?"

The dark-haired prince transferred his glare. "Unhand me, Itachi!"

"A lovely name for a lovely princess," Prince Naruto commented with a charming smile. "Perhaps I can entice you to join my company?"

The beautiful princess Itachi, clearly Prince Sasuke's sibling judging by facial features, gave him a soft smile before nodding her head to her right, where another lovely princess now stood with shy, lilac eyes. "Forgive me, my prince, but the only company I keep is that of fair Princess Hinata."

"That's so hot!" Prince Naruto exclaimed, eyeing the shy princess. She was a beautiful woman, another exquisite flower. Her long dark hair tumbled to her waist, framing a voluptuous body with breasts any prince—and it seemed, in this case, any princess—would give his life to knead possessively.

Ah, he hadn't eaten bread in such a long time...

"Thank you," Princess Itachi said with a demure bow of her head. She reached out a white hand and the other princess glided to her, her breasts bouncing lightly with every dainty step, before the same hand wrapped possessively around the slim waist and yanked the shy lady forward in a bruising kiss.

Prince Naruto whimpered as tongues joined in the action, Princess Hinata gasping when Princess Itachi's hands lowered to cup her firm round buttocks, hands harsh and powerful as they groped without shame. Damndamndamnfuckthatwassohot. The three years was worth it!

"Nii-san!" Prince Sasuke hissed.

—Nii-san?

Princess—Prince Itachi drew back with a pop, lips wet with saliva from the torrid kiss. Prince Naruto shivered at the dark amusement in those eyes, at a voice that was suddenly deeper than it was before. "Thank you for saving us, brave prince." The lips lifted into a smirk. "It is my pleasure to meet you." Holding the hand of a red-faced Hinata who stuttered her gratitude, the proud older prince smirked at his glowering younger brother before turning to leave.

Prince Naruto stood in dazed shock, eyes round disks, before jolting awake once the door closed behind Prince Itachi and Princess Hinata. Red-faced, the brave prince made his way to the same door, attempting to salvage his dignity and the pieces of his shattered dream of lesbian princess sex.

"Where are you going?" Iruka asked, eyes wide.

"To find my princess!" Prince Naruto replied, still dazed. "I'm in the wrong castle, I'd just apologize to the Orochi-sorcerer on my way out or something."

"But you're in the right castle!" Iruka said, clearly distressed.

Prince Naruto stopped. He turned around, slowly, his clear blue eyes troubled, his pink lips set in a frown. "I'm looking for my princess. That—" he raised his hand, pointing at the prince who now sat on his bed, head bowed with fists clenched on his lap, "—is not her."

"But he is," Kakashi said. "Only the kiss of true love could remove the curse."

"That kiss was an accident!" he cried out.

"That maybe so, but it woke the prince up," the last fairy, Yamato, joined in.

"Look. Prince Sasuke is obviously not a princess, okay?" Prince Naruto said, exasperated. "I've been training since I was a kid so I can kill dragons and ba—rescue my princess when the right time comes. Maybe my princess is the long-haired chick trapped in the castle in another country, so I'm heading there."

"That's Prince Neji, cousin of Princess Hinata," Kakashi said. "He was traded by her father for a bag of mystical screws."

Prince Naruto grimaced at how wrong it sounded, coming from this fairy. "Okay. So maybe my princess is the one with skin as white as snow who lives with the dwarves. Snow White, I think?"

"It's Prince Gaara," Yamato corrected. "He choked on an apple because he had been on a diet of blood since infancy. His uncle disguised as a witch said the apple was coagulated blood and was therefore more delicious. And trust me, it is better he slept. He hadn't slept since birth and he used to abuse the dwarfs because of it."

Prince Naruto paled, shaking his head to remove the unwanted image in his head. "Well, I heard about this rich orphan forced by her stepmother to hard labor?" he went on, uncertain. "I can throw a ball when I get ho—"

"He enjoys hard labor," Kakashi cut in. "And his stepfather loves him."

"And they frolic in the springtime of youth," Yamato added with a grimace.

Kakashi shuddered. "And love."

"I think they're a lovely stepfather and son," Iruka protested.

"They're not," the other fairies said flatly.

Prince Naruto groaned. "How about the princess who became the goose girl because her servant is a lying bitch?"

"Chouji ate all the geese, right?" Yamato asked, turning to Kakashi. The other nodded somberly as Iruka winced. "He didn't even spare the one that laid the golden eggs," he added.

"The princess who got turned into a swan?" he asked hurriedly.

"The prince turns into a fly," Kakashi said. "And he is quite creepy."

"How about the middle daughter with two eyes? Her elder sister has one and her younger has three and they're ganging up on he—"

"Because he's too lazy to open his eyes except when he's cloud-watching and they do all his chores," Yamato said, waving his hand off.

At this point, Prince Naruto was desperate. "How about the girl with the red riding hood going to her grandma?"

Kakashi suddenly giggled. "Oh, Kiba knows that's not his grandma. His taste is rather—radical."

Yamato grimaced. "Just say he's sexing up the wolf-dog, will you?"

"There are children here!" Iruka admonished angrily.

Prince Naruto was too distraught to understand what the fairies were talking about after hearing yet another man's name. His blue eyes liquid with despair, he threw his hands up. "Where are all the girls?!?"

"My, brave prince, the girls have grown sense a long time past," Iruka answered, eyeing the depressed prince with sympathy. "Besides," he added, "no woman can equal the peerless Prince Sasuke. You even thought him a beautiful princess, did you not?"

Prince Naruto blushed as Prince Sasuke raised his head to curse death through his dark eyes. "A—Anyone can make mistakes like that! Look, he's a pretty boy!"

Prince Sasuke snorted, crossing his arms over his chest with a faint color on his cheeks. "Whatever, idiot. Aren't you leaving to find your princess yet?"

"You—" he growled, shaking his fist against the ungrateful significantly older prince. "The least you can do is thank me for saving you!"

Prince Sasuke raised a cool eyebrow. "Why? You yourself said that the kiss is an accident. I hardly find a reason to thank your moronic luck for that."

"Bastard!" Prince Naruto yelled. "It's the kiss of true love, the fairies said so!"

Immediately after those words had tumbled past his mouth, a hush descended upon the room. Prince Naruto took a step back, his face flushed quite deliciously. "I—I mean—" he stuttered and swallowed, licking his chapped lips as he groped for words. He failed to see darkening eyes follow the motion of his tongue. "Anou sa—"

"Spit it out," Prince Sasuke growled.

"Shut up!" Prince Naruto immediately yelled, angered once more. "I'm not the one rubbing my dick against someone else's hand!"

Prince Sasuke shot up anew, face an intense spectrum of red. "Dumbass! I'm not the one molesting a sleeping person!"

"It was an accident, you fucker!"

"Should we stop them?" Iruka asked worriedly as the two princes yelled at each other's faces, their faces drawing nearer and nearer as they raged against the other.

Kakashi shook his head, ushering the reluctant fairy away as the two came into blows. "I believe they will be fine," he said, inwardly cackling as he imagined the different kind of blows the two will indulge in later. "Besides, as you said—it was the kiss of true love."

"What was his name again?" Yamato asked. The other two fairies stopped and eyed each other sheepishly.

"We'd know soon enough," Kakashi assured the embarrassed Iruka. "Prince Sasuke is a screamer."

So saying, the three fairies left to announce the good news to a saved kingdom who had heard every yell the two had been trading the entire time. In the entire kingdom of Ta no Kuni, none could be found as depressed as King Fugaku, as smug as Prince Itachi, and as happy as Queen Mikoto.

Trust the queen mother to be a yaoi fan girl.

 

On the border of Hi no Kuni, Prince Naruto of the Uzumaki throne dismounted his steed. The entire kingdom had come out to welcome him, cheering as the beloved prince, gone for five years, crossed the gates into the folds of his loved land and home.

"Naruto, you've grown so much!" Queen Kushina exclaimed. The blond prince laughed, rubbing his nape in a boyish manner. "And is this your princess? She's so pretty!" she squealed, pulling his son's companion into a warm embrace after the latter had dismounted. The princess returned the embrace uncertainly, though her eyes had flashed at the pronouncement of the queen.

"My, such a strong princess you brought home!" she gushed. The princess in her arms erupted into a fierce blush at her next words. "Her breasts are so flat and her ass is so firm! What a delightful young woman you have brought us, my son!"

King Minato was looking uneasily at the tableau before him. His senses were telling him that something was off—

"Her arms are so muscled and she's so tall too! Her stamina must be as great as mine!" Queen Kushina went on. She drew back, looking kindly at the beautiful woman with a pleased expression upon her fine countenance. "Speak, my dear. Don't be shy."

The princess cleared her throat, dark eyes glimmering with annoyance against the unhealthy red on her face. "Thank you, your majesty."

Wide sea-green eyes looked into sheepish blue in shock. King Minato slapped a hand on his face, sighing. It was fortunate, he thought, that the comfort sex of five years past yielded him twin sons. At least his line would not die out. Hopefully.

"Naruto! Your princess is a man!?!" Queen Kushina exclaimed.

"... Yes?"

And so it was that day that the entire kingdom of Hi no Kuni discovered that the queen mother was a yaoi fan girl. As for Prince Naruto and Prince Sasuke, the two formalized their union in a blood-soaked wedding that drove many young—and not quite young—maidens into intense multiple orgasms, and they lived happily ever after yelling and punching and banging each other to sleep.